I was raised in the Church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). I was baptized at the age of 8. I graduated from seminary and received my Young Womanhood recognition. I applied to attend Ricks College but was denied. I often wonder the path my life would have led had I went to Rexburg but it was not meant to be. I decided on Weber State University. I was 18 and ready to move out. I lived in the dorms although my parents lived within 30 minutes of the school. I met a guy and thought I was set. Then, I got pregnant and it all changed. I chose that the best option for my daughter would be to place her for adoption. I wanted her to have a well established mom and dad who would make sure she had all of the opportunities in life.
After Megan's birth, I started to attend church again. I was able to receive my endowments at the Jordan River Temple 13 months later. I began to prepare myself for a mission. One of my former babysitters had placed a baby for adoption and went on a mission. Her example led me to believe that this would be the best path for me. I submitted my papers and patiently waited. I knew that they would require special approval. I received updates as my papers progressed through the Church leadership. Then, on Father's Day of 2000, my parents and I were called into the Stake Presidents office. He read a letter from the First Presidency stating that I would not be able to serve a mission and that I should focus on my education and having a family. I was angry, upset and in complete disbelief. Why was this happening? Why were 19 yr old teenage boys allowed to go and I was not?
My faith began to waiver yet again. By 2003, I was inactive. I couldn't understand why I wasn't granted a full repentance and why I wasn't accepted into Ricks College and why I wasn't married yet. I thought I had done all the right things. I couldn't figure out why my life wasn't following the path I was expecting. I married a non-member in 2005. I had been counseled by my stake president to exercise caution and that he was concerned that our marriage wouldn't last. I was furious. We had a preacher from another faith marry us in an LDS chapel.
I thought my life was set. I was married to a military man. I got my Mustang as a wedding gift. He was in Iraq for our engagement and then spent about 18 months in Korea. We finally began living together full time in 2006. I learned more of his intense anger. I became severely depressed. I was hospitalized for several weeks. My suicidal thoughts were constant. Every six months, I was in the hospital. I was being emotionally and mentally abused. I figured that this is what married life was all about. He had an intense love for me. He sheltered me. I started to gain weight and smoke. I could never find a reprieve from this constant stress. I ended up spending the night in jail after a domestic dispute. I went to anger management classes. I felt that this was my fault. He struggled with drug abuse. It finally got him kicked out of the military. I decided that I would need to return to school. I told him we were moving back to Utah.
It was Columbus Day weekend. He had a long weekend and we drove as far as Denver together. He flew home from there and I finished the drive by myself. I found an apartment and began our new life. I realized that my life was so much better when surrounded by family and away from him. He entered treatment and I filed for divorce.
I started going to some Church meetings with my parents. There was a talk that hit me to the core regarding eternal families. My desire to have a forever family was becoming strong again. I talked to my bishop. We began the long process of me getting back to church. I read and studied the Book of Mormon. It was like I was reading it for the very first time. I was excited at the truths I discovered. I also read the Continuous Atonement. I found peace in knowing that I could be completely forgiven. I would sit on the temple grounds and ponder my future. I had the epiphany that if I wanted to marry a return missionary and have a forever family that I would need to make myself worthy.
I was overjoyed when I received permission to be re-baptized. My dad baptized me again, just as he had when I was 8. My cousin Tim conferred the Holy Ghost on me. I was told that my original ordination dates would be restored. I began preparing myself to enter the temple again.
Finally in June of 2010, I found the man of my dreams. We met online. He brought his sons with us on our first date. I can't really saw that it was love at first sight but when I saw Rich and his boys, I felt like I was seeing my future. We had a civil wedding in November of 2010. I was still awaiting approval to enter the temple again and my husband had not yet received notification of his temple sealing cancellation. My goal was to be sealed in the Temple on our first anniversary.
I wore my temple dress as my wedding dress. I wanted to have the reminder of this special day every time I attend the temple.
My cousin was married in March of 2011. It was literally painful to wait outside while my husband attended the sealing. I had the fear that if something happened to one of us, this is how our eternity would end, with me on the outside. My non-member cousins waited with me. They could not understand why Rich was allowed to enter the temple and I couldn't. I tried to explain it but really had no better answer than that he was worthy and I was not. I was upset that I did not have the opportunity to join in the sealing but knew that it was due to my choices. I was grateful, however, that my husband was a worthy priesthood holder who could enter in the Temple.
At my cousins wedding
My time finally came about a month later. I received a phone call from my stake president. He wanted to meet with me. I thought it was to discuss how my temple blessings would be restored. I had assumed that something would need to happen in the temple. I really didn't know how it worked. I met with my Stake President. He explained that he had received a letter from the First Presidency approving the restoration of my temple blessings and authorizing him to complete the ordinance. He said it was something that he had never before done. He gave me a blessing and my endowment was restored. It was such a tender moment that I shared with this sweet man. I was then told to go home and put back on my garments.
This is the day I met with the stake president.
Soon thereafter, I received my temple recommend. It felt amazing to be able to answer the questions. I did struggle with the last question. Was I worthy to enter the Temple? That same stake president assured me that I was and that no one is perfect. I gathered my family and some close friends for a session. I finally entered the Temple with my amazing husband.
On our first anniversary, my husband and I were sealed together forever. We chose the Logan Temple. We were surrounded by family. I knelt across the alter from my sweet husband and we became a forever family. My childhood dreams had finally come true.
The journey towards eternal happiness has not been anything like I imagined. I am learning what it means to endure to the end. I am beyond grateful for the lessons I learned in my first marriage and that it failed. My Heavenly Father heard my pleas. He knew the plan. He knew that my husband and boys were out there and waiting for me. I just needed to get my life in order first. Once I did, things started falling into place.
I'm not suggesting that you should seek out excommunication to find your faith. I know that there are people who struggle with their faith daily. It even happens to those with a Temple marriage and who are active in Church. Heavenly Father is very aware of those. He sends messengers in the form of friends, family or even visiting teachers to act as a messenger. If you feel that your faith is beginning to waiver, do not fear. In Isaiah 41:10 it reads, Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. This scripture has been my motto for years. It is so evident that we are not left alone. We need only to let him in.
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