About me - Part 3

My title rhymes! Now back to my story.

I moved back in with my parents. I got the room that my mom's parents had been staying in while my grandpa was undergoing treatments at the University of Utah. I got a new job where I was making more money in order to have insurance and stability for this baby. I spent a lot of time pondering our future. Seth made it clear that he would not be around to help or support us. His parents were in denial about the whole situation. My parents were supportive but let me know that this baby was my responsibility.

My dad and I are very close. I think most fathers and daughters are. There is a special bond that we share even though my dad was often gone throughout my childhood. I didn't feel like it was fair for this baby to not have a dad. I believe that it was April when I made my decision to place Megan for adoption. I spent many hours at LDS Family Services for counseling and support groups. I filled out pages of paperwork that included my family and health history as well as what I knew about Seth. There came a day when I was able to search for Megan's family. I had made a few requests. I wanted the mom to stay at home and I wanted her to have an older brother. I also wanted a caring father. As word spread throughout my family and friends about my decision to place this baby, so many people had suggestions. I had two distant cousins call my mom and ask if they could adopt her. I was not very happy as this decision was mine. We also spoke with my former seminary teacher who previously adopted two boys. We ultimately decided that it wasn't a good idea as we didn't want our relationship to be damaged at all. My aunt had a friend that was already in the LDS Family Services system. We decided to add them to my stack even though I didn't know who they were. As I reviewed the families, I systematically set those aside that didn't fit my requirements. My aunts friend was set aside as they had a daughter and the mom worked part time. I finally settled on an adorable family. I worried though that they would not accept my daughter as they were all blond and she would be 1/4 Chinese. I brought my parents and grandma to LDS Family Services. All of them read the profile and looked at the few pictures we had. They agreed that this was to be Megan's family.

My mom crocheted a dress. I wrote a long letter. I introduced myself and explained my situation. I asked if they would like to become parents of my baby. We sent everything off right around Mother's Day. This was obviously a bittersweet time for me. I knew that I would make this family more complete with the gift of Megan. I also knew that it would be several years if ever before I would see her again. I knew in my heart that this decision was best for all those who were involved.

I received a letter back with a photo of their niece who was also adopted. She was Korean. I felt more at ease. We began to exchange letters on a regular basis. I usually had a letter waiting when I went to my weekly support meeting. I loved hearing about their son who was 5. I remember the mom telling me about all of his activities. She said that he bit a dill pickle and told her it tasted chemically. He chose big boy tomatoes for their garden. He worried that this baby was going to be bigger than him.

We chose to meet in June right around Father's Day. We compiled gifts for all three of them. My nerves and anxiety were through the roof. We brought my ultrasound video to share as well. The beginning of the meeting was just with the parents. We spent time talking to them. This father had so many traits like my own. Both were military as well. He apologize for staring at me and said that I reminded him of his sister. My fears were set aside as we got to know each other better. I felt more comfortable in my decision and knew Megan was a perfect fit.

Our letter writing resumed. As the time drew closer, I became more nervous about my decision. Was I doing the right thing? Would she resent me? Would I ever see her again? Could I do this on my own? There was a joint Relief Society/Priesthood meeting at church one Sunday. Someone from LDS Family services came and gave a presentation. As I watched the video, I began to cry uncontrollably and needed to leave. Reality was setting in and it was a lot to handle. I reached out to Seth for support but came up empty handed. I wanted so bad for him to come to his senses and realize that this baby was ours. I wanted him to change his mind and tell me that we could be a family.  He just wasn't ready to grow up and become a father. I realized that I couldn't do this alone. It wouldn't be fair to Megan. She deserved to have two parents who loved her.

My friend whisked me away to Mesquite for a girls weekend. Summer in the Nevada heat was a bit much for me. I enjoyed the water. Swimming helped take away the pressure and aches. I was able to focus on my future and be comforted in my decisions. We did some baby shopping. We bought lots of clothing and toys.