Fertility Struggles

Ugh! I haven't seen a lady in my ward for a few weeks. Her husband and my mom are first cousins. She asked how Rich and I were doing. Then came the dreaded "Are you pregnant yet?"

I have been off birth control for a year. We have been trying since then. It took Rich and his ex-wife several years to have the twins. I'll be 36 in 2 weeks. I know that Rich and I both suffer from fertility issues separately. No, we haven't gone to a doctor. We don't have health insurance right now because we can't afford it with Rich's job situation. I have 2 fertility apps downloaded. My hopes are raised if my period is late even a day. This month, it came 4 days late. My monthly period is a reminder that yet again, I'm not pregnant.

I hate the questions. I'm dreading next Sunday. Between Rich and I, technically there are 3 children. I have Megan who was placed for adoption when she was 5 days old. She will be 16 in August. Rich has the twins from his first marriage. They will be here for the summer in 4 weeks. We would really love to have a child of our own. For now, we wait.

Mother's Day is one filled with so many emotions. I have a hard enough time going to church without Rich. I would prefer to attend church with my parents for the holiday but they are surprising my grandma. I already don't want to attend church. I am surrounded by so many new babies. My heart literally aches when I hold a young child.

I know that there is a plan set forth by Heavenly Father. I am still trying to figure it out. I am not getting any younger. Neither is Rich. Are we even meant to have a baby? Are we meant to adopt? What about foster care? With so many questions left unanswered, I continue my prayers for direction.

I have a cousin who has dealt with similar struggles. Her older two children were conceived with the help of IVF. They recently relocated to California. Before they left, they tried one more round of treatment. It took. She is now pregnant with twins.

My sister is pregnant with #7.

Where is my place in all of this? Only time will tell.