I started school at Weber State University in the fall of 1996. I lived in a co-ed dorm and loved it. (The floors were all boy or girl though) I met Seth, the birth father, through mutual friends. I have a few memories of him before we started dating. I remember him jumping over a couch to touch my exposed stomach. He was surprised to find that it was rock hard. We began to hang out more and more. I remember staying up all night helping him finish a project for school. We started dating in March of 1997. I was a very happy girl. Seth was a sweet guy. On campus, he'd whistle at me. So cute!! I took him to meet family a few days after we started dating. He didn't give the best impression. My uncle asked if I was "robbing the cradle." Seth was actually older than me. He didn't look it though. I invited Seth to spend Easter with my family. He agreed. He showed up at my house clean shaven and had cut off his hair (it had been shoulder length). I was shocked. Our relationship continued to progress well. I began having health problems in April. Seth began staying with me to help me through the nights. There was a week when we went to the emergency room almost every single night. Finally the doctor admitted me and ended up doing surgery to remove my appendix and an ovarian cyst. Seth was there through the whole thing. He would come to the hospital after school and work and stay right by my side. I healed fairly quickly and was put on birth control to prevent the growth of any more cysts. I remember my mom telling us that we didn't have license to "fool around" now that I was on the pill. I remember thinking "too late." When my birthday came in May, Seth surprised me with a ring. I was floored. It was small and simple but the interlocking hearts were very meaningful. He told me it was a promise ring and that we'd get married in 2000 once we were both done with college. I was satisfied with that arrangement. The summer passed and we both decided that we didn't want to return to the dorms. Seths parents bought a house for us to live in. It was a two story house with 2 separate entrances. The plan was that boys would live upstairs with Seth and I would live downstairs with a few other girls. I hardly every slept in my room. I was usually with Seth. We started having problems not long after the new school year started. I talked to Seth's mom and told her that I needed to move out. She said I couldn't unless I found someone to fulfill my contract. I was stuck.
My grandfather (dad's dad) had a stroke at the beginning of November 1997. My dad and I went there a few weeks later to be with grandpa. I'm not sure how long we were gone. I know that it was at least a week. I remember the last words I said to Grandpa were "don't flirt with the nurses too much." Dad and I decided to go home since Grandpa seemed to be improving. By the time we got home (about 6 hrs), Mom greeted us saying that Grandpa had taken a turn for the worse. We repacked and headed back to Idaho. All this time, I had been feeling a little nauseous but figured it was just stress. I sat by my Grandfather's beside until he took his last breath and then informed the nurses that he was gone. It was a sad sad day in my life. I had always been my grandpa's "Woman". As the family arrived for the funeral, I talked to a few of my cousins and my aunt about the possibility of me being pregnant. I was advised to go to the doctor as soon as I got home.
On December 9, 1997, I went to the store with one of my roommates and bought a pregnancy test. I took the test and it came out positive. Seth was sitting at his computer and didn't flinch. He just told me to go find out for sure. I went to a clinic with a roommate and had another test done. The nurse told me that the line was faint but definitely there. She congratulated me and handed me some baby stuff. I remember being a little frustrated. I went home and cried. It took me quite a while to break the news to my parents. All the while, Seth seemed indifferent about the situation. After all it was the holiday season and my grandfather had just passed away. In the meantime my mom's fathers health began to deteriorate. I finally got up the nerve to tell my mom. I called her on the phone and asked her if I had something really important to talk to her about how did she want it done. She said to just tell her. When I did, the line went dead. I thought that she had hung up on me. Instead, she asked if I had told my father. I knew I was in big trouble. Mom just calmly invited me to Sunday dinner and things went okay from then on. We went to Montana to spend one last Christmas with my other grandpa. I was forbidden to talk about my pregnancy in front of my grandpa. I'd go into the back bedrooms with my cousins and talk. My mom just couldn't deal with me yet. Grandpa passed away at the beginning of January. Focus was then turned to me.
My mom went to someone at her church and asked and asked for help. There was an adoption agency associated with the church. Each neighborhood had their own representative. Mom spent a lot of time with this lady asking for help and guidance. I did my best to avoid them. I was planning to keep the baby and raise her with Seth's help. My ideas were changed after he told his parents about the pregnancy. Their options for him were marriage or adoption. He said that marriage was out of the question so they told him that the baby needed to be placed for adoption. I was furious that he let his parents make his decision about our baby. I then received word from his mom that I needed to move out of the house since being pregnant and unmarried wasn't a good example. I moved home. I tried to talk to Seth but he shut me out. I wanted to discuss parenting options. He told me that he didn't have any time or money for a baby. He basically told me to leave him out of it.
I felt totally alone. I finally decided to listen to my mom and talk to the lady from church about this adoption agency. She told me that they didn't only do adoption and that if I chose to single parent my baby that they would help me with that too. I decided to go to the weekly support group meetings for the pregnant moms. The first hour of the group was an information hour. We had single moms tell about their experiences. We learned about taking care of infants. All sorts of different people gave presentations. The second hour was a separate discussion hour. The birth moms and some dads stayed in one room while their parents went to another. We were able to talk about any issues we were having. I met a lot of great girls through this group and began to feel very comfortable talking there. I also began meeting with a counselor once a week. She would give me assignments to help me make the best decision for my baby.
In April I found out that I was having a little girl. I was so excited. I began to feel overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a single parent. I finally decided that the child I was carrying was not mine, that there was a family out there waiting for her. I went to my counselor and told her it was time to start looking at adoptive families. I thought she was going to fall out of her chair. Once I made the decision to place, it seemed like everyone I talked to either wanted to adopt my baby or knew someone who wanted to adopt. It was quite frustrating for me. The tip of the iceberg was a cousin, Denise, that called my house one day. She asked for my mom. I told her that mom was at work and gave her the number. Mom called me a few minutes later. She asked if Denise had said anything to me. I said no. She said that Denise wanted to adopt my baby. I was furious. She called and didn't even want to talk to me. I found that to be rude and I wouldn't have any part of it. I had an aunt let me know that some of her friends were looking into adoption. I agreed to consider their packet along with the others that my counselor had picked.
The day finally arrived when I was to look through the adoptive family packets. Each packet had a few pictures, a profile sheet, and a letter. I believe I had eight families to choose from. I had two specific requirements of the adoptive family. I wanted the mom to be a stay at home mom and I wanted them to already have a son. I remember scanning over the pictures. There was one that stood out but I still read through each packet. I think it was the second or third one that I read. I was looking at a beautiful blond haired blue-eyed family. The looked wonderful together. I read about a military dad, a stay at home mom and a adopted 4 1/2 yr old boy. I knew they were the ones. I was a little stunned because I knew my daughter wouldn't blend as well with the family as the son had. She was to be 1/4 Chinese and I knew those features would be dominant. It didn't matter though, I knew this family was it. I took the packet home to my family that night and shared my experiences with them. My mom couldn't get through the letter without crying, neither could my grandma. I told the counselor the next day that this was the family.
I began making preparations to announce this little one to her family. I wrote a letter asking if they'd like to have a little girl join their family at the end of the summer. My mom crocheted a baby dress that was included with the letter. It just so happened that the delivery of this news coincided with Mother's Day. It was a bittersweet moment for me. I knew I was making that family very happy. We began to write weekly letters back and forth. They were so excited. I was able to share all of the ins and outs of my pregnancy with them. They did their best to let me know all about them. We finally decided to meet.
Our meeting happened right around Father's Day. It was a great gift for John, the adoptive father. We met at the adoption agency and talked for hours. I got to meet their cute son. He asked if the baby was going to be bigger than him. We all laughed. I guess he was a little confused about the whole meeting because he thought he was meeting his own birth mom. Anyway, towards the end of our meeting, we watched my ultrasound video. My dad was good to point out all of the details of her little body. John asked if he could touch my belly. I said sure. I felt bad that she wasn't moving at that time. When our time was up, we all exchanged hugs. I was totally at peace with my decision to place my baby with this family.
A few weeks later, Seth re-entered the picture. We started talking again and spending lots of time together. I began rethinking my decision to place the baby for adoption. I thought that Seth was back for good and that we would be able to parent her. I was wrong though. He disappeared quickly and even went to the adoption agency and signed away his parental rights. I was crushed. I felt a little guilty though. Through this time, I had neglected the adoptive family a bit. I quickly resumed my letter writing.
I think that summer was the longest summer of my life. I couldn't wait for this baby to be born. My due date was never right so I wasn't sure when the baby would come. July dragged on forever. By the end of the month I was through. I went in to the doctor and asked to be induced. He finally did it on August 17th. I was in labor for 8 hours and nothing happened. I had plenty of visitors and I even got flowers from the adoptive family. At the end of the day, the nurse came in and told me I was going home. I guess the baby wasn't ready yet. They told me that labor should start on its own but if not, to come back in two days.
I returned to the hospital on August 19th 1998. I was in labor all day. I remember the pain increasing after the doctor broke my water. I finally got an epidural later that afternoon. I could relax and nap. I remember getting woken up by the nurse and doctor. I was told it was time to have the baby. I said that I was sleeping. My mom laughed. The time had finally come for Katie's birth. I was surrounded by loved ones. My dad, mom, grandma and my best friend Angie were all in the room with me. My aunt and cousins had come to the hospital to pick up my brother and happened to be in the hall when she was born. After several pushes, Katie was finally born at 10:34 pm. She was 7 lbs 4 oz and 21 inches long. She scored a 9 on her first Apgar. She was perfect. She didn't even cry much.
After the nurses cleaned her up, my mom placed Katie in my arms. It was the weirdest felling I have ever experienced in my life. I was looking down at this baby and knew that she wasn't mine. She was so beautiful. While I was enjoying these first few moments with this angel baby, Angie was on the phone with Seth. He had just gotten home from work and was going to shower and then come visit. My mom then called the counselor so notify her as well, so that the news could be passed on to the adoptive family.
I was soon surrounded by family. We all enjoyed this new little baby. When Seth arrived, all of my family left the room and left the three of us alone. Seth fed Katie her first bottle and burped her for the first time. He was so kind with her. I knew that this scene wasn't to be. Seth accompanied Katie to the nursery where they cleaned her up a bit. He only stayed for a little while but promised to visit again.
I ended up spending 2 days in the hospital. We took several pictures. My mom went and bought a small album and put pictures in it for John and Suzzy. Our counselor hand delivered the album to their house. I signed the adoption papers the day I left the hospital. I had made arrangements with the adoption agency and the family to spend the weekend at home with my baby. I needed a little more time to say goodbye. That weekend was filled with visitors and well wishers. My family spent a lot of time helping me out. My parents house was a disaster filled with all of the baby necessities. My mom bathed Katie for me. I was too scared to do it myself. The night before Katie's placement I was tired but the baby was still awake. My dad volunteered to stay awake and take care of her. It was so sweet.
Monday was the big day. We went to a portrait studio to have several pictures taken. She was such a trooper. When we returned home, we saw Seth's car in the driveway. I was furious. I had been out of the hospital for 3 days. This last day was my day with her. I didn't let my anger show to much as he spent his last few moments with her. I offered to let him come to the placement with us but he declined.
My family and I then packed everything up and drove to the adoption agency. We spent quite a while in my counselors office talking and taking more pictures. We were told to start getting ready. Mom and I took Katie into the bathroom and changed her diaper and put her in the dress I had given them so many months before when I announced their daughter. We wrapped her in an afghan that my grandma had made. We took a few final pictures and then we were told it was time. My cousin was a volunteer at the agency. She was ultimately the one who took Katie and placed her in Suzzy's arms. I cried more than I ever thought possible. My heart broke when I let my little girl go. After I spent some time to compose myself, we left. As we did, I saw John, Suzzy, Christopher and Katie standing together in a perfect family portrait
